Clash of the Titans 3D

Or, as our tickets called it, Clash of Tit. Took our seats and put on the 3D glasses, which were larger and less comfortable than ones we’ve had recently, but actually did a much better job of polarizing and worked far better for me. I hope all new 3D films use those ones.

I was sad, though, that the film wasn’t nearly as entertaining as I’d hoped it would be. It wasn’t so bad it was fun, nor simply good. It was actually really quite dull. With surprisingly horrible performances from Pete Postlethwaite (overacting his cheesy lines so much I wondered if he was mocking them), Liam Neeson (trying to be arch but managing only wooden) and Ralph Fiennes (rasping and moaning in an attempt to be evil, but at least striking awesome poses), and the guy from Avatar not looking remotely Greek or managing to elicit any sympathy from the audience with his ‘I will not take any favours from the gods’ angle, especially as it all ends up with him contradicting himself and taking all the free power-ups. So much for hard work and dedication winning over nepotism and privilege – but hey, I don’t turn to cheesy 3D remakes for moral messages.

The plot was just slow and poor. The majority of the film is given to Perseus questing with a bunch of boring soldiers, including for some reason that awkward boy from Skins, looking for the Stygian Witches. They finally find them and tell Perseus what to do, which removes all tension from the climax, making for a godawful final action setpiece where the best the scriptwriters can do to inject tension is have Perseus chasing after a monster/fury/flying monkey trying to get back a sack. Medusa was creepy but easily dispatched and appeared too briefly, and what the Kraken is doing in Greek mythology I have no idea – although that derives from the original. Speaking of which, the things added for this new version are incomprehensible. Firstly, Io, looking very non-bovine, becomes a companion and love interest, making Andromeda’s role extremely confused. Secondly, for some bizarre reason ‘Djinns’ are added, not actually having much to do with the genies of middle-eastern myth, and it really made me cringe when one proved he was a hero by being a suicide bomber. And lastly, they only let the funky robot owl from the original have a silly cameo! But hey, that’s better than nothing.